And in 5 years, what?

When we were kids, we were always asked where we see ourselves 5, 10, 20 years from then. I've been thinking about that question (for about 10 minutes, and then I decided to write about it) and I'm not particularly sure where I see myself in 5, 10, 20 years.

Please don't answer "in the mirror." Don't.

Anyway. In 5 years, I hope to be working. I'll be 4 years out of college then, and maybe even have an MA under my belt. Working where, though? I'm taking BA Language and Literature, and that doesn't present such specific work opportunities as opposed to, say, BA Comm or BS Nursing. 

Most BA LL students go into teaching. I took a crack at that and found that I'm actually good at teaching college students. So maybe that. What else, though? Writing? I've always said that the only thing I see me doing is working for a magazine. Now, I'm not so sure. 

In 10 years, I'll be (gasp!) 29. I hope to be living apart from my mother then (although I'm not so sure she'll let me), and earning enough to actually buy stuff I want. Like a car. Or a really nice computer? I also hope to be able to travel by that time. Not out-of-town trips, but actual travelling. You know, Greece, France, Singapore. That kind of travel.

In 20 years, I hope to have a family. I'll be 39 (okay then, 40) and I'd like to have a brood of mini-Luis and mini-Xs. I'd like that X to be Yohan, but we can't really tell, can we?

I just hope that as I go through life, I have people going through it with me. Not necessarily a boyfriend or whatever, just... people. I'm tired of feeling alone in the middle of a crowd (oh god really?), even though I don't really feel alone in the middle of a crowd.

Let me tell you about today

I got up at around 9AM and decided to just finish the paper I had to submit by 5 PM. I already started a couple of weeks ago so all I really needed to do was, uh, finish it. I dicked around on the Internet, of course, while writing, so it took me around 2 hours to finish. I asked my housemate to pass the paper for me since she's going to school for an exam anyway. She did, and I'm now free!

Well, no. I still have one more paper to write, but it's not due until the 12th, so...

I stayed at home, screamed at my download to finish, and basically just bummed. Around 2 PM, though, a strange feeling of nostalgia hit me, instead I wasn't longing for a certain time in the past. I just felt... empty. Was it the nice weather? The quiet atmosphere? The playing kids on the airport runway in front of our house?

I realized that I actually like Baguio on my last day here. 

I felt guilty, because I felt that I took Baguio for granted. It's not like it did anything bad to me, it just so happened to be situated approximately two hundred and fifty kilometers from home.

Around 5 PM, I started gathering my stuff. I was meeting my mom at the hotel since our house really is quite far from civilization. What's unfair is that she has a car, and I have to commute. Another unfair point is that she told me she'd be leaving Manila at 2 PM. She left at around 4. 

So I'm at the hotel now, and an hour ago I decided to go out for dinner since I really couldn't wait for my mother anymore. I went out and had Jollibee after buying a couple of hair clips and scrunchies. I walked from the hotel to the mall and back, and I couldn't help but feel, er, pretty. The weather was nice, and BoA's Implode was playing on my iPod. Again with the past-less nostalgia. 

and idek?

My brain vibrates with carefully thought out arguments and counter-arguments.
My eyes narrow
My eyebrows arch and fall, arch and fall, crease, arch and fall
My nostrils flare, working extra hard
with my lungs
I breathe and ramble on

My shoulders are tense
My arms swing wildly, dangerous and heavy
My hands clench, forming fists, loosen, turning dead
My fingers snap and grasp for whatever
in the air between us
My feet stomp the ground, breaking the earth

Underneath
My heart
My little heart tries to speak
My tired heart tries to fight
and break through the noise and action
I love you


My brain stops. My eyes blink
Furiously, fighting the tears
I inhale... exhale.
I relax. And I stop. And everything stops!

Except my heart.
I love you

My boyfriend sent me a text that just makes up for all the negativitay. He asked me what I was doing, and I said I'm writing a paper and I'm stressed and it's tedious.

"You'd ace that.  I'll sleep na ha. I'm proud of you. Guten Nacht. Love you."

This, now. What then, later? (written October 4, published, then made private, and now published AGAIN)

Obviously, things are shaky with us. I can't speak for you because you almost never tell me anything, so let me just speak for myself here. My needs aren't being met. Mind you, these needs aren't enormous. I ask for the same things the next boyfriend would - text me if you're going out, try and update me with whatever's going on with you, don't stay out too late, and don't do anything that may harm you. An addition is to show some enthusiasm. We've been together for almost a year, but that doesn't mean we can just assume that everything will be okay even if we don't talk. The longer we're together, the more apparent it becomes that you're 1. bored, 2. tired, 3. or just no longer interested. I'm working from context clues here, because as I've said, you almost never tell me anything anymore.

I understand that you have school. I'm not asking you to drop-out and live with me. I know you have your family, I'm not asking you to abandon them and elope. But "being busy" isn't an excuse. And I know I'm not your everything. I'm not asking to be. But at least try to make me feel that you love me.

What would really help is if you would talk to me. Any way you can, really, because I'm not getting anything from you now. Tell me, what should I do? Should I just leave you be until this sem ends and you can breathe? Should I just wait until you're okay and we can continue with out relationship? What?

I miss the old us, you know. We used to talk for hours on the phone. Every night. No matter how busy you were, I'd wait up until you were free to talk. There was one time, back when we were just starting out, when you asked me to call you. That was really nice, because it made me feel like you wanted me, too. We even got to the point where we'd say I love you to each other every five texts or so.

Now I'm lucky to get a reply from you. I really miss you, Yohan. Talk to me. I love you.
                                                                                                                                                                           
P.S. I don't want to break-up. Ever.

I just want to feel that you love me.

Aaaaaaaaand the story's just begun.

Are you stuck? Here, let me help you. No, no, don't fight it, it'll only get worse. Breathe for me. Okay, there you go. I'm going to pull you out, okay? Just try to make yourself smaller. Okay, 1... 2... 3!

So that's a no-go. Maybe we have to wait until you lose weight and you're thin enough to get out on your own! A cartoon did that, I think. Since I can't get you out, do you just wanna talk? Yeah? Okay, cool. So how did you get stuck here, anyway?

I mean, this hole is pretty obvious. There's nothing else for miles, just this hole! And was it like this when you fell and got stuck? Littered and stinky? There are shards of glass everywhere, and I wouldn't really want to know what that sticky-looking liquid is. Crumples pieces of paper, animal manure, or wait, is that human shit? So how did you get stuck here?

Wait, what? The hole wasn't this small at first? It was a ditch? No, wait, that's not the word. Chasm? Yeah, chasm! So it was a chasm before? A huge hole in the ground? Well that would be worse, because a hole that big you should see! Oh, it grew? The huge hole in the ground grew until it reached you and you fell in? Well that's a bummer. But... why is it so small now? You can't get out!

It... shrunk? How do you mean shrunk? ....well that's peculiar. And the shit? The glass? All this garbage?

They were flowers and grass? Oh, I see. They turned to all this garbage? How is that... no, no, I believe you! I believe you, don't worry.

Oh, so someone was supposed to come help you? Well, where are they? Oh, it's a man? So where is this man, supposedly coming to rescue you?

He's... what? Busy? But... You're stuck.

I know. I'm still waiting. Don't mind me, I'm fine. You can go your merry way now and forget about me.